Last night, during a local town meeting, John Tuscon, a member of the audience, mysteriously exploded. Other than shock, temporary loss of hearing, and multiple laundry bills, there were fortunately no other apparent casualties or injuries.
“It was incredible,” noted one observer, “one second the guy’s sitting there and the next he’s gone!”
Local authorities suspect no foul play and have identified this lamentable incident as another case of spontaneous human detonation, a more severe strain of spontaneous human combustion.
Dr. Martha Richards of the Combustible Animal Life Division at the University of Michigan Medical Center, states that there are several current theories on HD (human detonation) being batted around in medical circles. One of these, she claims, is the belief that a biological “mis-wiring” of the genes before birth causes a malfunction in the metabolic processes creating, in effect, a pattern of drastic reversal.
“Normally,” Dr. Richards states, “the human metabolic rate just rolls on and on in a forward direction, like a ball on a flat surface, until it finally comes to rest. Bur for some reason, in some people, it’s like a ball that is rolled uphill. At some point in time it reaches a point where it stops rolling forward and then starts rolling back downhill at an increasing rate of speed until the body can no longer absorb the pressure and actually explodes from the overloaded body circuitry.
Dr. Peter Osgoff, head of a scientific group called The Body Atomic, claims that his group lays the foundation of detonation on the theory known as ionization transference. “In lay terms,” Dr. Osgoff explains, “it’s sort of an atomic swap meet. A charged ion layer that envelopes the body as a life force is constantly being ‘scrubbed’ by friction with the body’s external environment and ions given off into the air around us. The more we move about, the more these charged ions are ‘sloughed off.’ While most of us are ion donors, one person in every several million is unfortunately an ion receiver and actually attracts or picks up these expended charged particles like a magnet. Their body absorbs and uses this energy. If these people are exposed to highly charged or very active individuals without a sufficient energy release valve, such as exercise, that’s when the trouble occurs.”
“Exploding animals,” Dr. Richards states, “is not a new phenomenon and is evidenced quite frequently. Many animals found on roads and thought to be victims of automobile mishaps are actually the exploded remains of spontaneous combustion. Clams come to mind as perhaps the most common type of animal explosion. Clamshell shrapnel can be found on virtually every beach area where clams can be found. Fortunately for us, we do not hear the muffled explosions as the clams are usually buried under the sand. However, when the tide washes away their cover, we bear witness to the evidence of these mine-like salvos.”
Supposedly bird detonation is also quite widespread as witnessed by the helter-skelter debris of feathers across the landscape. In fact one of the most explosive creatures on Earth may be the Eastern Red Bahm. Ironically the low body temperature of these winged grenades forces them to seek out warm spots, which if too hot, will cause them to detonate. “They’re sort of nature’s own heat-seeking missiles,” jokes historian and birdwatcher Merton Cloy of the Audubon Society Aviary Club. “For years I’ve tried to educate the FAA on the idea that certain air mishaps are not the result of these birds accidentally sucked into jet engines, but rather an intentional entry prompted by the instinctive need of these birds for heat.”
According to Cloy, on the night of the attack on Fort McHenry in Baltimore Harbor by the British during the War of 1812, a Captain Benjamin Morris of the supply ship Porgy noted in his log that the air was “blackened by the huge number of red birds seemingly drawn to the heat of the burning fort.” All of which seems to give new meaning to F. Scott Key’s words:
“And the rockets’ red glare,
the Bahms bursting in air,”
Although the causes of this affliction are arguable, authorities do agree on the uncertainty of HD victims. “It is indeed a game of Russian roulette,” Dr. Osgoff explains. “There is no way, as of yet, of predicting just who may be a walking bomb.”
Despite the gravity of such an incident occurring, the everyman’s philosophy tends to be one of acceptance of an event that is outside of personal control. As one witness of last night’s tragedy noted, “Hey, you could be crossing the street today and get nailed by some car. At least if you explode you don’t have to worry about whether or not your underwear has holes in it.”