In the news – National
Archeologists discover tribe of lost employees
In a discovery that is sure to stir renewed debate regarding business ecosystems, archeologists working in the Teaneck, NJ area have uncovered the existence of a previously forgotten group of employees working at a defense contractor company.
“This is exciting. This is very exciting,” said lead archeologist Dr. Wilson Evernam. “Up until now, we thought the cutbacks stemming from the Recession [in the 1980s] virtually eliminated superfluous workers everywhere except the American auto industry.”
In its heyday, Advanced Electronics, Inc. was a leading components provider for NASA. But when the rest of the world switched to microchips, the company struggled to catch up. One group in particular was left behind, the advanced micro-transistor development group. “Evidently they fell through the cracks in the corporate restructuring, and soon they were virtually forgotten,” Evernam explained.
“Although time has passed them by, their society is quite remarkable,” Evernam continued. “They’ve managed to build a relatively sophisticated research environment using primitive modes of communication, such as beepers and fax machines. Most impressive is the cubicle at the center of their community. It’s apparently devoted to the veneration of an early laptop they must have found quite a while ago. Obviously the laptop’s battery died years ago. As near as we can tell, they’re waiting for it to come back to life.”
Artifacts found at the site include a Xerox 16/8 with external 5 1/4″ floppy drive and 5 MB hard disk.
After his team is finished studying this tribe, Evernam plans to investigate reports of other lost employee groups. “Universities are fertile ground, what with their research facilities, ongoing grants, and isolation from the real world. There may be dozens of living time capsules out there!”
In the news – Local
Driver of car finally turns right
After a lengthy deceleration, the driver of a 1998 Ford Taurus finally turned right.
Jim Dumas, the driver directly behind the Taurus, witnessed the whole event. “I tried to help her along by following closely and tapping my horn,” he said. After a time, Dumas switched from arrhythmic horn-tapping to “trying to play the theme song from ‘Happy Days’.”
The driver of the Taurus, Helen Strahan, was unaware that her driving was drawing any attention.
That’s just the way I drive,” she said. “Safe and sound.”
Drivers in the center lane, waiting for their green light, soon noticed Strahan’s slow but determined progress and began cheering her on. “When I heard that,” Strahan beamed, “I felt like Richard Earnhardt at the Superdrive Bowl!”
At approximately 5:37 p.m., Strahan completed the turn amid the honks and cheers of fellow motorists. She gradually accelerated onto Franklin Avenue until she got dangerously close to approaching the posted speed limit.
In the news – Sports
Dodgers sign left-hander to face one batter
The Los Angeles Dodgers announced the signing of left-handed pitcher Steve Guzman to face Rob Weinke in the 7th inning of their game against the New York Mets.
Dodgers GM Ned Colletti had been negotiating with Guzman’s agent, Ken Albright, since the third inning. “Our bullpen is a little thin right now, and we needed a little late-game, middle-inning help, especially against a guy like Guzman,” explained Colletti. Guzman is hitting .307 against right-handed pitchers, but only .295 against lefties. The Dodgers pitching staff was caught short of middle-relief left-handers, with the recent injury to Pedro Gomez and the trade of Gus Billings at the bottom of the second inning to the Orioles.
After a brief warm-up, Guzman took the mound for the first time with his new team at the bottom of the seventh to face Weinke, who ran the count to 2-2 before popping out to Nomar Garciaparra in foul territory behind first base. The Dodgers declined to pick up the option for a second batter, and Guzman left the club to join his agent in San Francisco, who was working on a two- to three-inning deal with the Giants.
“I’ve got mixed feelings,” said Guzman as he waited for a taxi outside the stadium. “I felt we were just starting to build some chemistry here, and I was really hoping to stay on for another inning. But this is a business, and we just have to roll with the changes.” Guzman was still in his Dodgers uniform, except for his Arizona Diamondbacks cap, which no one noticed he was still wearing from when he was on their roster earlier in the day.
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