1. All right, first thing’s first: how drunk are you? Ok, not bad. But, are you wasted enough to walk over to a living, breathing woman and engage her in a conversation? I didn’t think so.
2. Drink more.
3. Scope out the area. Her? No, that’s clearly a spray tan. Her? Nope, tramp stamp. Her? Ew, cold sore… Wow, look at that girl over there! She’s hot as hell! Yeah… I guess you could say she possesses a radiant and terrifying beauty, rivaled only by the Elf Queen Galadriel. Don’t tell her that, though. It’s a little weird…
4. Go get her, tiger.
5. Come on, move your feet!
6. Don’t simulate the conversation in your head, first! You’ll psyche yourself out!
7. Don’t think about taking her on a series of dates to the zoo, the art institute, and a trendy sushi restaurant! Don’t think about how the two of you will steadily build up a catalogue of inside jokes! How you’ll soon trust one another with your deepest secrets!
8. Don’t envision how you’ll work your way through the Kama Sutra, making passionate love to her in every position known to man!
9. Don’t picture how you’ll propose to her after a five-course meal, as a custom fireworks show paints her name across the horizon in sparkling crimson letters!
10. Stop visualizing your wedding! What do you mean I’m not invited?!
11. What are you doing?! Don’t you dare imagine dying in each other’s arms under a willow tree at sunset as you whisper: “My love for you will transcend the ages. When we shed our earthly bodies, our spirits will live on, forever intertwined.”
12. Oh, great. You missed your chance! That dude with a barbed wire tattoo on his bicep swooped in. She’s eating out of his hand! They’re already making out!
13. Relax. Unclench your fists and take a deep breath. You’re not in love with her. You just saw her, like, thirty seconds ago! You don’t even know her name! She has no idea you exist! No, this doesn’t mean you’re going to die alone on a pile of Doritos in your studio apartment. Chin up, man.
14. Let’s try the dance floor. There are more girls over there anyway. Just push through this crowd and — Sorry! I can assure you, my friend here is not trying to “start something.” If that were the case, he would’ve picked someone his own size, not Andre the Giant!
15. What are you still looking at this list for?! Get away from that dude!
16. Post up in this corner and catch your breath.
17. All right, start dancing.
18. No, not like that! Are you doing the Macarena?! What do you mean you don’t know any other dance moves?! Just try something! Anything else!
19. The shopping cart?!
20. The sprinkler?!
21. The robot?!
22. The worm?!
23. The electric slide?!
24. The Soulja Boy?!
25. Jazz hands?!
26. Jesus, you’re even more hopeless than I thought. You’re out of your element, here. Go back to the bar.
27. You know what? I don’t even care anymore. Just go for that girl over there. Yeah, she’s a little on the heavy side, but you’re not too much to look at, yourself.
28. Don’t just sit there like an idiot — Say something! Offer to buy her a drink!
29. Speak up! The music is loud as hell in here!
30. Wow, she actually said “yes”! What are you waiting for? Tell her about yourself! Say something badass about how you’re a lumberjack or a snake charmer or a semiprofessional monster truck driver!
31. You’re an “I.T. specialist”? That’s what you’re going to go with?!
32. What are those hand gestures you’re doing?
33. That’s not any better! Just put them in your pockets.
34. You’re losing her! You can see her smile slowly deflating like an old air mattress. Say something interesting or she’s gonna go!
35. No, don’t bring up Runescape! You idiot.
36. Your fan fiction about Éowyn and Boss Nass’s steamy love affair won’t fix this!
37. She’s about to pull out her phone, pretend to read a text, and say: “Sorry, but my friends are leaving now. It was nice meeting you.” You have one more chance!
38. Did you just ask her who her favorite Dragon Ball Z character is?! Christ, it’s over. Tell that chick goodnight.
39. Finish your drink.
40. Wow, you’ve managed to do the exact opposite of everything in the guide! Why do I even bother with you?! Catch a cab home, keep “yourself” company, and then cry yourself to sleep. We’ll try this again next weekend.