I wake up at 6:15. I hate my life. I’m 32 and work as a “quality assurance clerk” for the IRS through the local bank. My entire job consists of adding up the sum of checks and making sure people are paying what they owe, which is the most mind numbing process in the world. I get out of bed. Where the hell are my slippers? Whatever, I don’t need my slippers. I live alone in a one bedroom apartment. How do I lose things in this closet? I peek into the living room and see the junk heap of garbage strewn across the floor. I guess that’s how, isn’t it? I get dressed for work and I think to myself that my boss probably wouldn’t notice if I just showed up naked but I decide not to test that theory.
I grab a piece of bread to eat and walk to my car eating on the way. I pray to myself that this clunker won’t start but unfortunately it reluctantly does. On my way to work I can’t help but hope for a collision that will cause me to be late but I have no such luck. I park outside the building and go inside. No one greets me except Mel. I hate Mel. He doesn’t seem to understand that we both have the worst job in the world and he constantly tries to make conversation with me. This normally wouldn’t be so bad if he would choose a topic of conversation other than the consistency of his fecal particles.
“Do you want coffee?”
“I hate coffee,” I say dully. I tell him this at least three times a day.
“Well I’m going to have coffee,” he says. “Maybe it will make my poop softer.”
Normally I’d be a bit disturbed by this, but he makes comments like these so constantly I don’t really care anymore.
While he’s gone, Jake (my boss), comes around. Jake’s rich daddy got him this job and because of his money, Jake is automatically allowed to act like a smug jerk whenever he wants to. Jake hates Mel almost as much as I do but because Mel works without a complaint he doesn’t fire him. However this doesn’t save Mel from constant verbal abuse and criticism via Jake. However, because Mel is off getting coffee I have to take one for the team and endure Jake’s battery.
“Enjoying doing nothing?” Jake says as I thumb through a stack of checks.
I look up at him dully, “I’m doing my job Jake.” I say it in as blunt a tone as possible. Jake cocks an eye at me while fixing his tie.
“You skipped your shift last Thursday,” he says. I don’t even work Thursdays and Jake knows it. I’m about to tell him this when he starts talking again. I start to zone out and I see Mel halt in his tracks on the way back from the coffee machine and slowly turn around in the other direction.
“Are you listening to me?” Jake shouts and I snap back to attention. He then begins to tell me that I’m useless and berates me with foul language. While he’s telling me this, I start to think about what I’m doing with my life. Why do I tolerate this kind of crap? Why do I just stay with the same old routine when it’s within my power to change it?
Jake’s shouting gets louder but all I hear is noise. I slowly stand up from my desk. I look over Jake’s shoulder and see Mel peeking around the corner at us. The next thing I know everything starts moving in slow motion. The spittle flying from Jake’s mouth is falling in a slow gentle spray. His blue eyes open and shut in the slowest of movements. His blond hair is blowing in the fan slowly and dramatically like in the movies. And my fist is heading towards his perfect nose at a smooth steady but slow pace. When my fist collides with his face it ripples like I just punched a small pond. His nose crunches like a wafer cracker and he falls backwards.
I walk out of the office nursing my bruised fist. I look back to see Mel poking Jake’s bloody face with a stir stick. That’s when I wake up. It was just a dream, but now I know exactly what to do today. After I punch out Jake at work I’m going to start a new life.