Invisible man stories have been around for centuries in folklore. As far as I know, the first invisible man book was written by H. G. Wells in the late 1800’s. Since then I know of three more novels on the same theme. Excuse me while I answer the door.
“HumorPress police! This story better get funny soon if you want a chance for publication!” “Give me a break! I’m only up to seventy four words, not counting the heading.” Good thing invisible people are all fiction or the next knock on the door will be the Political Correctness police.
Before I was so rudely interrupted, I was saying or rather, I was writing a history of invisible people to show how my story is different. Cops again! “What is it this time?” “You’re in a 750 word limit zone on HumorPress and you’ve wasted three paragraphs with no humor!” “My being hassled by you may seem funny to some people. I’d say bug off if I weren’t so desperate for another HumorPress prize.”
First off, the star of this story is an invisible woman. Othella Sight was quickly nicknamed Outta Sight. What set her apart from other invisible people was that she was born invisible. The midwife and obstetric nurses sure went into panic mode. Imagine trying to tend to an invisible baby. How do you dress an infant you can’t see? How do you feed her when you’re only clue is that the mouth is somewhere between the shirt and the cap, if she’s dressed properly.
Outta’s life as a baby was pretty normal except when her mother once forgot where she put her. Things started going downhill when little Outta became mobile and played hide from Mommy by taking off her diaper.
Once in school, Outta started going naked as she hated the idea of being known as clothes only. Outta loved being naked and not being seen thrilled her. In cold weather Outta would only wear her coat and boots which came off once inside a warm building.
I’m sure you can think of how much fun you’d have if you were invisible. Like sneaking into the bathroom of the opposite sex, that thrill wore off fast for Outta. How about riding a bus for free? That is not a good idea during rush times. Forget about a social life.
The day after high school graduation Outta snuck aboard an airliner going to a city in south Texas. As bad luck would have it, there were no empty seats. Outta sat in the lavatory for takeoff. She got to sit most of the way in a comfortable seat by whispering into a man’s ear, “If you want a good time, go to the lav and wait for me.” He waited for rest of the flight.
Hold on- phone, “Hello.” “Are you sure you can wrap this up under the word limit?” “I told you to leave me alone!”
Outta needed two things when she landed, a job and a place to live. Until she got money and a flat of her own, crashing in vacant apartments would do. Store security work seemed to be a good fit for Outta and she applied at every retail business in town with no luck. First no one wanted to trust someone they couldn’t see. She also had no permanent residence or telephone. Outta thought about filing a discrimination law suit.
Luck changed when Outta met Sam Sleuth PI outside the Lone Star Bar. Sam had just finished drinking the profit from his latest case and was in no condition to drive home. Sam knew something was amiss when an empty overcoat helped him into the passenger side of his car, took his keys and started the engine. Sam awoke to find eggs and bacon frying and juice and toast floating toward the kitchen table. It took no time at all for Outta to convince Sam that an invisible partner would be quite an asset in the detective business.
It was on a late night stake-out when Sam leaned over to kiss Outta and stuck his nose in her eye which he couldn’t see. They both knew that romance was not to be without imbibing some of their profit or Outta kissing first.
Hey HumorPress police, is this essay funny enough now? I think this is funnier than Alumni Newsletter which took second place in 2011 and I made it under the word limit.