Many of you may have seen the movie Fantastic Voyage which was about the adventures of the crew of a tiny spaceship which was shrunk in size and injected into a human body. I hate to toot my own horn, but Columbia Pictures has just offered me a contract to be the set of the sequel, Fantastic Voyage 2. The entire movie will be filmed on location inside the body of yours truly. Of course, the entire cast and crew will have to be shrunk to microscopic size. Except for Danny DeVito.
The film features Will Smith as Captain James T. Irk, Jessica Simpson as Science Officer Butz, and Jack Black as Ensign Stoner.
As our saga begins, the brave crew of the shuttle Incompetent isinjected intravenously into my arm. The shot in my arm feels about the same as a flu shot, only with more glitz.The crew immediately notices the blood they are travelling through is not red, but orange, and composed of liquefied Cheetos.
Stoner: It’s like a lava lamp. The swirly orange-ness is tripping me out.
Butz: There’s a green glob of disgusting, pus-like goo off the starboard bow, Captain.
Irk: What do you make of it?
Butz: I can make a hat, or I can make a Chinese lantern, or a big tree…
Irk: Dammit, this isn’t Airplane. You can’t use that line. It’s not our intellectual property.
Butz: According to my readings, it’s actually a brain.
Irk: A brain?
Butz: Yes, a brain. Or at least a rudimentary semblance of one.
Irk: Surely you’re not serious. Butz: I am serious and don’t call me Shirley.
Irk: What did I just tell you about using lines from Airplane?
Butz: I know, but that’s not important right now. It appears to be composed of only one cell. The only one remaining after years of guzzling beer. And its only discernible function seems to be somewhat heightened electrical activity when its vision centers detect a large booby. Fascinating.
Just then a wave of beer washes over the hapless green mass, making it belch and fall asleep.
Me: Where are my Doritos? Isn’t there a Kim Kardashian workout video anywhere on this retarded TV?
Irk: Let’s get outta here. All ahead warp factor seven.
Butz: Uh, not to question your authority or intelligence or anything, Captain, but the ship is actually powered by a microscopic battery and our maximum speed is .5 MPH.
Irk: I knew that. I was just testing you to see if you would correct me. Well done. All ahead MPH factor .5 and plot a course for the stomach. We’re supposed to map it for NASA and it could take years.
Butz: Aye, Captain. We’ve just entered the esophagus and something is in high-speed pursuit. Five number fours from Taco Bell with extra sour cream and a large mass of ranch dressing. My God. It appears that he is actually drinking a bottle of ranch as a beverage. 293 on the O’Donnell Grease Scale. We’re doomed.
Irk: A triglyceride field so dense that even light cannot escape from it. Our only alternative is…
Just then the ship careens into the stomach and splashes into a sea of ranch, beer, battery acid, diet Coke, which is either a disgusting mess or the worst product in the history of Coca-Cola Inc.
Irk: …to attempt to successfully splash land in the stomach itself.
Me: Where are my Tums?
Irk: Our next stop is the liver.
Stoner: Mmmm, liver and onions.
Some of you may remember that big black evil thing that killed Tasha Yar in Star Trek, The Next Generation. Let’s just say that thing didn’t have anything on this liver. The crew members feel an evil presence striking nameless terror in their hearts, kind of like when you call Microsoft tech support. As the ship comes closer, the evil liver thing actually speaks to them. It sounds kind of like Ellen Degeneres in Finding Nemo.
Liver: I am the Liver of Doom. Be very afraid.
Stoner: Wow, a talking liver; I really need to get into rehab.
Liver: Silence! I kill you!
Then it does. The liver kills and eats the entire crew and emits aloud, satisfied belch.
Liver: Mmmm, they were delicious.
Probably shouldn’t have given away the surprise ending. But it’s okay, because it will make you want to see the next movie in the series even more:
Fantastic Voyage 3: Larry’s Large Intestines.