Well, you should have been able to catch that drift; it wasn’t going anywhere—it joined with the other snowdrifts, wind and snow blower blown, between the driveway and the house, to form a land based iceberg. It grew inexorably every day the sun made a cameo appearance, partially melting the snow dam (or, equally apt, “the damn snow”) on the roof.
Anyway, be “pro-active;” You can prepare for another equally cold, miserably, blizzardly, perpetually (and what meteorologists term, “yucky”), winter.
To survive the next Winter of Others’ Discontent, simply change your behavior and/or your attitude in all aspects of your daily life.
I. Wrap it Up
Swaddle the whole house in plastic insulation. Seal everything, the attic, the basement, the windows, the kids—wait, not the kids.
“Now,” you will shout, disdainfully and defiantly, “bring on Old Man Winter!” (Don’t worry, everybody already knows you’re nuts.)
You’re set, and you’ll also save on those surreal heating bills.
II. Make Winter Grocery Shopping a Breeze
What ordinarily can be bothersome errands in the summer are a snap in winter. Venture out joyously, welcoming the weather.
Of course, you’ll have first hit your remote start button, letting your car warm up to a toasty 35º, while you put on your thermal lined everything.
Then you’re set to brave the elements for the full ten seconds it takes you to tumble out of the house and into your car on the driveway.
When you get to the supermarket, drive around for a half hour until you get the ideal spot, only a thirty second dash away from the entrance. Don’t try to get even closer by parking in a handicap spot and faking a limp when you get out. It’s despicable and beneath contempt, and it cost me $250 when I tried it.
Afterwards, put the frozen waffles, TV dinners, and ice cream (it’s actually helpful to put on some weight to ward off the cold—hey, that’s science); anything that just needs to be refrigerated, you put in the back seat. Simple.
III. Escape the Neighbors
If you want to avoid spending an inordinate amount of time interacting with the neighbors, even the few you like, remember it’s acceptable to eliminate the chit-chat in winter; none of them can command more than a hurried wave and a shouted, “Cold enough for you?”
In sad contrast, if you’re spotted on your driveway in the summer, a neighbor will initiate the obligatory “Hot enough for you?” and then use that as a conversational springboard to trap you into discussing how green (or brown) the grass is, how he took two strokes off his golf game, and it sounded like the Johnsons had a helluva fight, again, last night.
IV. Embrace Garbage Day
No need to dash about in a panic, fearing you won’t get the garbage out before the trash men come. Take it out at your leisure, and let it sit until next week. You won’t stink up the neighborhood—that stuff will be frozen solid.
IV. The Irrefutable Excuse
If you were having a normal Jack or Robert Frost Winter, other people would entreat, implore, and even harass you to go out and do things.
But when it’s -10 degrees with a howling wind, you are excused from: cross country skiing, down hill skiing, snowboarding, skating, sledding, tobogganing, snowshoeing, making snow angels, building snowmen or snow forts with the kids, throwing snowballs with the kids, interacting at all outside with the kids, ice fishing, and even—around Christmas time—caroling.
And when it comes to participating in a (heart stopping) Polar Dip, you don’t even have to make any excuses—that’s universally acknowledged as being for the terminally goofy.
Embrace the winter—the colder, the snowier, and windier the better—from inside. You can now finally get your spouse to agree that the $2,600 expense for that 100” flat screen TV, and the recliner with the built in potato chip pouches, was justified.
NOTE: You can survive winters more comfortably if you choose cats over dogs. Nobody has to take the cat out in a blizzard.
You now have only two concerns remaining, even in the severest of winters:
A. Your TV service goes south (Do NOT even think, “Like I should have done.”)
B. The schools close and the kids are sent home early.
This last one can be mitigated by not letting them in until they’ve shoveled the driveway.