ANCHOR: VOICE OVER—AND NOW, HEMLOCK’S CHANNEL FIVE ALIVE AT FIVE EVENING NEWS , WITH ANCHORPERSONS ROD BRINKITE AND KIMBERLY AMBER.
CAMERA MOVES IN FOR MEDIUM CLOSE UP ON 35 YEAR OLD SENIOR ANCHOR ROD BRINKITE, SMILING WITH HIS SPECTACULAR DENTAL IMPLANTS, AND ON 26 ½ YEAR OLD BLONDE KIMBERLY AMBER SMILING WITH HER SPECTACULAR NON-DENTAL IMPLANTS.
ROD: Good evening, everyone. I’m Rod…
KIMBERLY: … “The Bod,” Brinkite. And I’m Kimberly Amber. There are a number of fast breaking stories tonight. Later on, Channel Five’s Armageddon Weather will report on the tornadoes already affecting our viewing area.
ROD: So nobody’s watching the show? Everyone’s underneath a table in their basements?
KIMBERLY: (LAUGHS SO HARD, HER LEGS START SHAKING AND HER SKIRT RIDES UP) Oh, you’re incorrigible, Rod. We’re going to find out, first hand, exactly what an F4 Tornado means. Weather Gal, I mean, “Meteorologist” Cindy Sidney is standing by, actually she’s almost horizontal, hanging on to a tree branch, Live, outside the Town of Hemlock’s Tornado Shelter. Cindy?
CINDY: Hundreds of trailers have already been trashed by the tornado. But it’s hard to pick out which ones.
SCREEN CRAWLS WITH WORDS “LIVE BREAKING NEWS”
ROD: More on the tragedy later, but first we’ll go to vital breaking news in sports with Jacques Strap.
JACQUES: HIGH SCHOOL TEAM BEHIND HIM, EXCITEDLY GIVING AN ENTHUSIASTIC GROUP “THUMBS UP!” Hemlock High School just won the State Thumb Wrestling Championship. Go Earwigs! They beat last years Thumb Wrestling Champions, the town of Toadstool’s Muskrat High Ramblers.
ROD: How badly did our guys beat the other thumb wrestlers?
ROD: Of course. So our thumb wrestling team nailed ‘em.
KIMBERLY: EMITTING ANOTHER SKIRT RAISING LAUGH (NOTE: THE CHANNEL FIVE ALIVE AT FIVE NEWS IS NUMBER ONE AMONG MALES, AGES PUBERTY TO DEATH) Oh Rod, I’m laughing so hard I’m shaking. Look!
ROD: PAUSE…Uh, thank you…SO much, Amberly Kimber, er, Kimberly Amber. Now, let’s start with the shooting on 1st and Main. Reporting from the scene, Live, is TV Five Alive at Five News Reporter Tantelaya Schwartz-O’Leary.
CUT TO ATTRACTIVE 26 3/4 YEAR OLD BLONDE WOMAN WITH MICROPHONE IN PITCH DARK. SPOTLIGHT REVEALS 1ST STREET AND MAIN STREET SIGNS ABOVE HER. IMMEDIATELY BEHIND HER, A SMALL AREA IS CORDONED OFF WITH YELLOW SECURITY TAPE.
TANTELAYA: Thanks Rod, I’m Live at the scene where the shooting went down two weeks ago. A hearing for a suspect was scheduled for later this month.
ROD: That’s Tantelaya Schwartz-O’Leary, Live from the site of the shooting at First and Main. Tantelaya, I understand there are some new developments.
TANTELAYA: Well, that’s right, Rod. I spoke to the person who answered the phone at the First District. In an exclusive Channel Five Alive interview, I asked this highly placed source if more information might come out at the hearing. He said, “Maybe.”
ROD: Wow. Now, Tantelaya, it looks like there’s some security tape behind you. So, it’s still an active crime scene?
TANTELAYA: Actually, it’s to warn people of a pothole. Tape appears to be cheaper than asphalt.
ROD: Thanks, Tantelaya. Oh, and watch your step.
KIMBERLY CONVULSES WITH LAUGHTER AGAIN
KIMBERLY: Oh, Rod, you crack me up.
ROD: Just like somebody did to that street.
KIMBERLY: Stop. More breaking news. There was quite a heated exchange at the Town Council meeting earlier tonight. Reporting Live from the scene, it’s veteran reporter Clark Olsen. Clark?
(TWENTY YEAR OLD MALE REPORTER IS SHOWN BEHIND A SET OF CLOSED DOORS OUTSIDE TOWN HALL) CLARK: Well, that’s right, Kimberly. I’m here live, in front of these same locked doors…well, they weren’t locked at the time, where Alderperson Scrappy Bill Jenkins called Alderperson Wanda Blue, (CLARK’S VOICE BREAKS) “a poopy head.” Let’s go to the tape.
CUT TO A SCENE OF PEOPLE LEAVING THE COUNCIL CHAMBERS.
CLARK: There you have it, and TV Five caught it live for you five hours ago.
ROD: Hi, we’re back, Live from the Action Central News Desk. Good night everybody.
TANTELAYA: Good night from me too.
ROD: Wait, Tantelaya, are you still Live, or is this you in a former report?
TANTELAYA: I don’t know for sure. It’s five thirty.
ROD: A.M. or P.M.?
TANTELAYA: I think, P.M.
ROD: Tuesday, right?
TANTELYA: Um, no, it’s Monday. Oh, I get it. I’ve been DVRd. This is me, signing off, whenever. Good night, good morning, and good luck.
ROD: Same here. Did I mention that I’m Live?