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Memorandum

To: The Body

From:The Brain

Re: Mind-Body Connection

First quarter reports are disappointing. Productivity plummeted. Profitability is flat. Aerobic activity hit a record low.

To reverse this alarming trend the following memo reviews our organizational chart and outlines suggestions for improved performance of the mind-body connection.

Organizational Chart

Chief Executive Organ (Brain): The brain is in charge 24/7. The body reports to the brain. It is not acceptable for the body to have “a mind of its own.”

Chief Financial Organ (Cerebellum): All financial decisions must be approved by the cerebellum. Impulse buying is no longer permitted. Sidewalk sales are forbidden. Sale catalogs must be thrown out upon receipt. Overtime is cancelled until further notice. Purchase orders must be filled out and approved by your supervisor 30 days prior to purchase. Annual revenue must double.

Departments

Accounts Receivable (Stomach): The HR department reports you have used up all of your sick days for the entire year during the first quarter. There have been numerous reports of “bugs”. Limit contact with small germ-carrying children and please sign up for new monthly wellness program: “Taking Care of You.”

The stomach will no longer growl and feign hunger 15 minutes after mealtime. Please cease and desist longing for chocolate after 8 p.m. as it keeps the human awake. Bathing suit season is almost upon us. Your compliance is mandatory.

Accounts Payable (Muscles): Muscles will comply with the brain’s initiative. Muscles will not fake spasms, aches, “charley horses” or otherwise undermine brain’s attempt at physical fitness. Muscles will be increased in size by 20% to handle expected loads. Please attend our brown bag lunch seminar: “Increasing Muscle Mass.”

Human Resources (Heart): I am sorry to say there have been reports that you are trying to take control and act as decision maker. This activity will not be tolerated. You report to the brain. You are the HR department.

Cardio workouts are for your benefit. Do not have heart palpitations when you hear the word, “exercise.” Also, clean out those arteries. Have a heart-healthy diet. Suggestions: use extra virgin olive oil. Eat avocados. Limit sodium.

Review and report all “longings of the heart” to CFO for approval.

You are required to participate in the sunrise exercise class: “Cardio Cha-Cha.”

Security (Immune System): Please apply rigorous screening procedures and background checks on all potential applicants. Prospective employees such as infection, viruses and disease will not be permitted to work in this body under any circumstances. Check and recheck references and work history! Visit in-house library to check out, “Virus Vamoose!

Sales and Marketing (Liver): Overtime in this department has tripled. Hire necessary personnel and implement plan to process spirits more effectively and efficiently. Participate in weekly after hours business mixer. Network!

Information Technology (Nervous System): Please maximize bandwidth of all synapses to improve firing of messages. Transmissions have been sluggish. This is an aging human we’re talking about! Attendance is required at the weekend seminar: “Improving the Mind-Body Connection.”

Thank you for your immediate attention to these matters. I look forward to renewed efforts across the body, improved productivity and profitability. Please plan to attend a mandatory staff meeting on August 1, 2007 to discuss these matters in further detail.

Remember our company motto: “A happy body is a happy human!

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I would like to say a word on behalf of an overlooked minority group, a mysterious, practically unknown subculture of beings who lurk on the outskirts of decent society. Who are these unnamed outcasts? Mutants, aliens, mimes? No, more shocking than that – they are females who like The Three Stooges, that's who. “Stoogettes” for want of a better label.

How can it be? Women who actually like The Three Stooges - impossible you say? Say it again and I’ll tear out your tonsils!

Thanks to widespread propaganda by comedians everywhere, it has become a comic cliché to assume that women can’t possibly appreciate the subtle nuance of Moe dragging Curly by the nose with a pair of pliers or ripping handfuls of wavy hair from Larry’s semi-balding scalp, but these images hold a special place in the hearts of many women who were raised in an era before cable, satellite, VCRs or DVDs. In other words, before the dawn of civilized history.

Join me now, if you will, and come back to a nearly prehistoric time and place when dinosaurs roamed the earth and suburban cave dwellers with strange rabbit-eared television sets had only three channels of viewing options to choose from. That’s right I said three, count ‘em, three measly channels. With bad reception.

Imagine flipping the dial (remote controls were as futuristic as a flying cars), with programming choices limited to local news (with crop reports), religious sermons and The Three Stooges. Need I say more?

With such a blockbuster lineup The Stooges were like manna from heaven. Soggy crops, dry sermons or Moe crushing Curly’s head in an industrial vice - could the choice for superior entertainment be any more obvious?

In an age of snowy screens and cheesy cardboard backdrops, The Three Stooges offered knockout, eye-popping entertainment. Literally. They were the equivalent of the wits of the Algonquin Round Table to the school-age children of that era, boys and girls alike. There wasn’t a kid around at that time who didn’t get into trouble at least once for trying to poke out a siblings’ eye, Moe Howard style. The more daring delinquents attempted the pliers routine on somebody’s nose and got a hairbrush to the backside for being too violent. Ah, the ironically good old days!

Like fine wine, vintage gags ripen with age and repeated viewings. What can compare to the culinary artistry of Shemp pouring maple syrup over a powder puff he has mistaken for a flapjack; a roasted chicken that jumps up off the table thanks to a mysterious mechanical device inserted in its gizzard, the party cake covered in crawling ants. Mmm Mmm good!

And let’s not forget the sophistication: Curly, a gown draped diva, lip-synching soprano arias; Moe the artist adorned in smock and beret with the impressive pig-latin persona “OMae”; the threesome masquerading as socialites, impressing V.I.P.s with the debonair greetings, “charmed,” “enchanted,” “embalmed.”

Not to mention the fact that bathroom humor was limited to leaky plumbing and bathtub slapstick, making The Three Stooges classier than any current primetime sitcom. Proof the end of civilization might be near.

Today The Three Stooges seem like Rhodes Scholars compared to the likes of Beavis and Butthead and the Jackass contingency which just goes to show that several decades of advancements in technology and more than 500 channels later there’s nothing better to watch on TV. Or perhaps you simply can’t improve upon a masterpiece. Technology notwithstanding, if you can find superior entertainment on the tube these days than Moe shooting people in the behind with a carpet tack gun please present your case.

And as for the myth that women can’t appreciate the humor of The Three Stooges – when I was presented with an engagement ring, I held a magnifying glass over the diamond as I had seen the Stooges do in one of my favorite episodes. I thought it was funny. My boyfriend didn’t.

I guess some men just can’t appreciate the humor of The Three Stooges. Nyuk Nyuk.

www.freewebs.com/emitchell

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Following the style guide of my internal dress code, I can think of only two occasions that call for the wearing of white pants: Spackling the interior walls of an entire house, or stepping out for an early bird dinner while retired in Boca Raton.

Still, a recent issue of Esquire presented an instructive pictorial under the title, “How to Wear White Without Looking Like Colonel Sanders.” The article profiles several of “Manhattan’s most distinguished professionals” who have been outfitted in variations on a white suit.

What seems to distinguish most of these professionals is the cheerless look on their faces as they pose in clothes an indistinguishable man from the Midwest would never wear. As I look over the fashion options, I’m feeling duped by the claim in the article’s title. In fact, most of the outfits look like they were coordinated while under the influence of 11 secret herbs and spices.

By the time I get to the goateed actor/writer/theater producer sporting the two-button white cotton jacket ($1,750) and cotton trousers ($875), I have a sudden hankering for an Original Recipe 2-piece combo and a side of slaw ($3.99).

Clearly, I’m a man who has much to learn about wearing white. Here’s what Esquire advises:

“The texture of the pants and jacket can be different – feels less formal that way.”

Formality doesn’t seem to be much of an issue here. This directive is demonstrated by a man wearing a white suit and tie, but no socks. Even Gus, my childhood Good Humor man who dressed likewise, knew enough to wear socks. Without summer woolies, his ankles would go numb while foraging for fudgsicles in the back of the truck. We once found him unconscious in a playground after getting stuck to a frozen novelty. He wore socks ever since.

“Complement an all-white suit with a bold but dashing print shirt.”

In the photo accompanying this advisory, a guy who co-owns a tearoom is modeling the bold but dashing print shirt. The shirt has a pattern strikingly similar to flocked wallpaper Carmela Soprano might select for a dining room makeover. Back in the ‘70s, I had a closet crammed with bold but dashing print shirts, many featuring the same design subtleties as a Twister game. Since then, I’ve learned it’s never a good idea to wear a shirt that’s bolder than your chosen career.

“The golden rule of stripes: Never more than two at a time.”

Not to worry. The only way I’m going to be wearing multiple stripes on a white suit is if I’m cast in a community theater production of “The Music Man.” This is not likely to happen since my last musical public appearance ended in tragedy at a 5th grade piano recital when I massacred dramatic solo arrangements of “Mame” and “The Shadow of Your Smile.”

“A dark vest adds formality to a white suit.”

I suppose the dark vest does deflect the Colonel Sanders stigma. But if I attempted this look I would resemble a confused Tennessee Williams character. Possibly Big Daddy if he were a 38 Regular. Which would make me Medium Daddy. This could be dangerous. If I start dressing like a Southern gentleman, I might be compelled to call on fragile, fading Southern belles with tortured pasts. On the plus side, I won’t have to change my pants if we step out for an early bird fried chicken dinner.

www.estrogenunderground.com

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In the news – National
Archeologists discover tribe of lost employees

In a discovery that is sure to stir renewed debate regarding business ecosystems, archeologists working in the Teaneck, NJ area have uncovered the existence of a previously forgotten group of employees working at a defense contractor company.

“This is exciting. This is very exciting,” said lead archeologist Dr. Wilson Evernam. “Up until now, we thought the cutbacks stemming from the Recession [in the 1980s] virtually eliminated superfluous workers everywhere except the American auto industry.”

In its heyday, Advanced Electronics, Inc. was a leading components provider for NASA. But when the rest of the world switched to microchips, the company struggled to catch up. One group in particular was left behind, the advanced micro-transistor development group. “Evidently they fell through the cracks in the corporate restructuring, and soon they were virtually forgotten,” Evernam explained.

“Although time has passed them by, their society is quite remarkable,” Evernam continued. “They’ve managed to build a relatively sophisticated research environment using primitive modes of communication, such as beepers and fax machines. Most impressive is the cubicle at the center of their community. It’s apparently devoted to the veneration of an early laptop they must have found quite a while ago. Obviously the laptop’s battery died years ago. As near as we can tell, they’re waiting for it to come back to life.”

Artifacts found at the site include a Xerox 16/8 with external 5 1/4" floppy drive and 5 MB hard disk.

After his team is finished studying this tribe, Evernam plans to investigate reports of other lost employee groups. “Universities are fertile ground, what with their research facilities, ongoing grants, and isolation from the real world. There may be dozens of living time capsules out there!”


In the news – Local
Driver of car finally turns right

After a lengthy deceleration, the driver of a 1998 Ford Taurus finally turned right.

Jim Dumas, the driver directly behind the Taurus, witnessed the whole event. “I tried to help her along by following closely and tapping my horn,” he said. After a time, Dumas switched from arrhythmic horn-tapping to “trying to play the theme song from ‘Happy Days’.”

The driver of the Taurus, Helen Strahan, was unaware that her driving was drawing any attention.

That’s just the way I drive,” she said. “Safe and sound.”

Drivers in the center lane, waiting for their green light, soon noticed Strahan’s slow but determined progress and began cheering her on. “When I heard that,” Strahan beamed, “I felt like Richard Earnhardt at the Superdrive Bowl!”

At approximately 5:37 p.m., Strahan completed the turn amid the honks and cheers of fellow motorists. She gradually accelerated onto Franklin Avenue until she got dangerously close to approaching the posted speed limit.


In the news - Sports
Dodgers sign left-hander to face one batter

The Los Angeles Dodgers announced the signing of left-handed pitcher Steve Guzman to face Rob Weinke in the 7th inning of their game against the New York Mets.

Dodgers GM Ned Colletti had been negotiating with Guzman’s agent, Ken Albright, since the third inning. “Our bullpen is a little thin right now, and we needed a little late-game, middle-inning help, especially against a guy like Guzman,” explained Colletti. Guzman is hitting .307 against right-handed pitchers, but only .295 against lefties. The Dodgers pitching staff was caught short of middle-relief left-handers, with the recent injury to Pedro Gomez and the trade of Gus Billings at the bottom of the second inning to the Orioles.

After a brief warm-up, Guzman took the mound for the first time with his new team at the bottom of the seventh to face Weinke, who ran the count to 2-2 before popping out to Nomar Garciaparra in foul territory behind first base. The Dodgers declined to pick up the option for a second batter, and Guzman left the club to join his agent in San Francisco, who was working on a two- to three-inning deal with the Giants.

“I’ve got mixed feelings,” said Guzman as he waited for a taxi outside the stadium. “I felt we were just starting to build some chemistry here, and I was really hoping to stay on for another inning. But this is a business, and we just have to roll with the changes.” Guzman was still in his Dodgers uniform, except for his Arizona Diamondbacks cap, which no one noticed he was still wearing from when he was on their roster earlier in the day.