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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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February
/ March 2007 Contest Results |
Life In
The Library Snot What It Seems
By Ken Stark,
Virginia
The other day I saw one of our many prized and beloved university
students pick his nose and eat it at a computer terminal in the atrium
of the library. I kid you not. I’m not trying to be funny here. The
uncivilized blockhead picked his freaking nose with his grimy index
finger, poked said finger in mouth, nibbled on it, and sucked off the
booger.
If you are a sick duck and want to do that kind of thing in the
privacy of your own home, then go ahead. But, this was in public at a
computer that is shared by hundreds of other students.
Who are you Mr. Nose Picker-Eater and where do you come from? This
social maladroit was probably twenty years old. What is he doing at a
liberal arts university? He belongs in a play pen with pacifier in mouth
and diaper strapped around the midsection.
Picking your nose is one thing. In fact, a popular medical website claims that 91%
of adults pick their noses, but mostly in private (yes, I did my
homework on that one, however, I have no idea about the legitimacy of
the source or the statistic, but it helps make my point). Thus, picking
is common and normal even for adults, but to proceed to nibble, taste,
and even swallow a golden nugget is beyond me. The act is inexcusable,
and if you’re still doing that kind of thing at age 20, then not only is
there no cure for your gold digging habit, but chances are you have a
whole slew of other issues.
As most younglings are, I also was an avid nose picker in my youth (age:
womb to eight or nine years old). I still remember the day my kid sister
dared me to eat a booger I had recently plucked from my nostrils. I told
her “no way,” planning to customarily flick the boogie out into space.
However, she pressed on and pulled out the double-dog dare. Yes, she
went there. I knew she had me because in my naïve, innocent mind, only
wimps like the Care Bears turn down a double-dog dare. The rest is
history as it tasted so gross I couldn’t even compare it to lima beans,
which I abhorred. The experience was so traumatic that still I remember
the distinct, bitter, acrid taste of the boogie. Never again.
Back to 2007 and adult nose picking. Here’s what I recommend if you have
the itch to pick. If at all possible, be strong and practice the
abstinence of nasal prodding when in public. Your nose can wait until
the time is right. If your nostrils are too stuffy and you need to
extract some dried and/or runny mucus, then please go to a nearby
restroom. Carry disposable tissues with you when you’re vulnerable
during cold, flu, or allergy season. Do not carry a handkerchief. It’s
weird, outdated, and its supposed reusability factor is extremely
questionable.
Oft times a dried stalactite boogie manages to peep down from the
nostrils to say hello. This can be awkward and embarrassing when you
don’t notice and don’t care for such a greeting. However, if you feel
the stalactite tickling down from above, then you must heed the call
immediately and dispose of the playful booger expeditiously. These
desperate times call for desperate measures as there is no time to make
it to the nearest restroom. Sneeze it out into an article of clothing.
Use a thumb for digging and pawn it off as a mere nose scratcher. You
know you’ve seen that technique before, executed both skillfully and
horrendously. Be creative and do anything you can.
So, next time you sit down at a public computer and begin to type, just
remember what gross specimen may have been there before you, typing away
at the keyboard with his nasty, booger-ridden fingers. Mr. Nose
Picker-Eater, you know who you are. On second thought, you probably
don’t, and that’s just unfortunate. Shame on you regardless.
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