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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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February
/ March 2007 Contest Results |
Fast
Facts On Life And The Fiscally Challenged
By
Mary Kirchhoff, Pennsylvania
People have weird attitudes about money. I mean, none of us really wants
to admit we don't have any. We certainly don't want to admit we have
money problems. That's a taboo.
Of course, our relatives and closest friends know. These are the lucky
ones from whom we borrow and never repay.
But money is in our face all the time. It's everywhere. The little stock
market ticker runs across the screens on the TV. Suze Orman has made
herself rich and famous, talking and advising about money. The airwaves
are filled with money talk shows. All these funds to invest in, all this
advice - it's wasted on me and others like me.
There's a significant portion of those in this country, like myself, (I
happen to be a single mother) who are clueless about money and
investing. I once heard that the "average" American has less than $500
saved. That was comforting to me.
So, I'm here to come out of the closet, lacking in designer clothes, as
it were, to identify with all those like me who are raising kids and are
struggling to put food on the table, (in my case it's a trip to
McDonalds, but whatever).
We live paycheck to paycheck, (if we even make it that far) and don't
really think about the future because we can't - we're too worried about
the here and now.
I worry about the priorities - like keeping the cable, phone and the
Internet going. Then I have to think about paying the rent.
I wouldn't know a mutual fund from a money market account if it rolled
over into an IRA and hit me in the head.
The only thing I know about anything rolled over is coins when I take
them to the bank:
"Can I cash in these rolled coins or do I have to deposit them?"
"Do you have an account here?" the teller asks, looking at me
suspiciously.
"Yes, here's my card."
I pray she doesn't check my balance and pray even harder it isn't
negative.
Many of you readers out there cannot relate to this, however, you
probably have a relative lurking nearby who can. So, you can stop
reading now if you have never: 1) received a collection letter in the
mail; 2) been harassed by bill collectors by phone; 3) received shut-off
notices for your utilities; 4) written out checks at the grocery store
with no money in your account and hope to deposit the cash in time; 5)
called and begged customer service to keep your utilities or cable/phone
on a little longer; 6) contemplated changing your name and running off
to a remote island; 7) Seriously though about the merits of robbing a
bank.
Personally, I am the Queen of Payment Arrangements, so astute and
accomplished at postponing bill payments that I have developed it into
an art form. I'm thinking of writing a book, the first "how to" in
preventing utility shut-offs.
So how do you know when you're fiscally challenged? Here are some sure
signs of trouble:
• Your kids know more about money, the household bills, and the prices
of things than their friends.
• At the library, you can't pay your late fee because you didn't have
$1.30.
• You put $2 in your gas tank.
• Your child pays for a school lunch with pennies.
• You take a loan from one of those cash-advance places that charges 453
percent interest.
• There's $2.37 in your account, and you use your debit card at the
grocery store to buy dinner.
• You call the credit card company to see if your payment was received
so you can run out and use the card again.
• You dig through the car seats, sofa and winter jackets for change and
are thrilled when you come up with 63 cents.
For people like us, everyday life is a challenge. We find creative ways
to survive in a world that costs too much and cares too little, but
somehow, we manage to survive.
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