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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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February
/ March 2007 Contest Results |
Voter
Tuneout
By Joel Schwartzberg,
New Jersey
Election officials have unveiled a new proposal for ensuring fair U.S.
voting protocols in 2008. The recommended program was developed by 14
year-old Kelly Ashley. Ashley was selected after winning a nationwide
contest sponsored by Diebold Election Systems, Halliburton, FOX News,
and reality television producer Simon Fuller.
To allow for real-world unknowns, the system will first be tested on a
hotly-contested middle school math club election in Sarasota, Florida.
It works like this:
In the first phase of national voting, prospective voters will be asked
to urinate in a cup and have their sample processed and analyzed for
verification purposes. Testing will take half an hour, unless you're a
professional baseball player, in which case it will take two hours to
remove pharmaceutical obfuscations.
"While 30 minutes seems like a long time to verify identity," said an
anonymous Diebold official, "it takes a lot longer to get a driver's
license or learn American Idol results." The official also noted that,
unlike a social security card or driver's license, one cannot misplace
his or her pee.
After verification, voters will be asked if they intend to vote for
someone other than John McCain, Rudolph Giuliani, John Edwards, Barack
Obama, or Hillary Clinton. If the answer is yes, the voter is excused
for the day and thanked for his or her service to democracy.
Upon entering the booth, the voter will view a short video hosted by
Ryan Seacrest. Seacrest will introduce a musical montage of each
candidate, followed by Simon Cowell, who will tell voters that their
vote is worthless and that our American form of government is
"rubbish." Seacrest will then urge voters to send text messages for
their candidate of choice.
Given more Americans successfully vote for American Idol candidates than
for public officials, most agree this system seems perfect for America,
though Idol judge Randy Jackson thinks it's still a little "pitchy."
As incentive beyond the simple one of furthering civilization, every
voter will get a "I came. I peed. I voted." T-shirt.
THIS JUST IN: Algebraically-challenged cheerleader Wendy Dunderhead has
just won the Sarasota Middle School Math Club election over three-time
junior math champion Eugene Barwaz, says school principal Charles
Dunderhead (yes, relation). The system works!
http://www.jesttokill.com
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