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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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February
/ March 2007 Contest Results |
The Irony Of
Physics
By
E. Mitchell,
Illinois
For those
unfamiliar with television physics, the hardest thing in the world to do
is start a fire. Popular survival themed shows regularly round up aging
boy scouts, campfire girls and pyromaniacs on sun baked islands equipped
with flint, tinder and blowtorches in an environment more brittle than
the inside of a kiln, yet no one seems able to so much as roast a
marshmallow. (By the way, nothing says entertainment like despondent
castaways weeping over inert kindling.)
Of course in real world physics you need do nothing more than point a
flashlight at the draperies before finding yourself engulfed in flames.
Likewise, the sparks generated by shaking hands over an area rug are
enough to make a dwelling go up like a matchstick.
According to actuarial tables, chances of starting a fire increase
tenfold if a homeowner has no insurance, and escalate to one hundred
percent if you have been paying heavy premiums for years which have just
now lapsed. In the time it takes to recognize the oversight and cross to
the telephone to notify the insurance company, you will spontaneously
combust, setting off a blaze that engulfs the nearby fire department.
Thanks to the irony of physics, a man wearing an asbestos sweater is
twice as likely to catch flame as an eccentric dandy adorned in a
matchstick suit dipped in kerosene.
If you don’t believe me try this experiment for yourself:
Immerse your house in a large tank of water on the Fourth of July as you
watch your drunken neighbor shoot off illegal fireworks from his rooftop
while he lights matches from his alcohol soaked shirt pocket.
Dear student of real life physics, I need not tell you the results of
this experiment as you are probably fully aware from your vantage point
in the emergency room where they are mistakenly applying salve to your
singed toupee or wiglet.
Your uninsured, penniless neighbor will be unable to compensate you for
the damage to your home, the contents of which now resembles a Friday
night fish boil, while the interior of his house, decorated in oily rags
and old newspapers, remains unscathed.
I need not go in to detail about the ironic minutiae: your oven mitts
were burned beyond recognition while the gas can in the garage is the
only thing that didn’t catch fire.
This applies to other natural disasters as well: the one day you don’t
tie down the cow, the tornado strikes. You pay the exterminator overtime
to remove frogs from your basement the night before the water table
rises. You leave mother in the car just as a cold snap sets in.
This is a game you can’t win so relax and enjoy yourself. According to
the laws of irony the health nut will drop dead before the circus fat
man, and the alcoholic’s liver will be put on display at the
Smithsonian, so eat drink and be merry. Just don’t leave mother
unattended outdoors again, particularly on the Fourth of July.
http://www.freewebs.com/emitchell
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