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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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December 2006 / January 2007 Contest Results |
If You
Were Married
By Laura Snyder,
North Carolina
If you are a bachelor or bachelorette, who wonders what life is like on
the “other side”, let me clue you in.
If you are a single man, you don’t have to share your bathroom with a
dripping display of bras and non-machine washable sweaters. You can keep
the toilet seat up as often as you please. You can have junk food
anytime and anywhere in the house including on the new carpet. You won’t
have to worry about whether you’ve just wiped your hands on the “good”
towel, and bathroom reading material doesn’t have to be G-rated.
If you were a married man with children, you can say goodbye to your hot
sports car and hello to a late model mini-van. You will find your ties
in the toy box where they were thrown after a child tried to use them to
make a slingshot. Right next to the ties in the toy box, you’ll find the
remote for the TV, the slinky red negligee you bought for your wife on
Valentine’s Day ten years ago that your daughter now uses to dress up
like a princess, the eleven flashlights you had to buy for the last
eleven power outages because you couldn’t find one (none of them, of
course, have batteries), and the lima beans you insisted that your
9-year old eat three weeks ago.
If you are a bachelor, you can pretty much find anything you need right
where you left it last. But when you are a dad… things walk.
If you are a single woman, you won’t have to share your bathroom with an
animal that sheds hair. There wouldn’t be razor-stubble coating the
sink, loose hair from a balding pate decorating the shower and pubic
hair on the toilet seat. You can dress yourself in peace without being
attacked by an overzealous male before you have brushed your teeth. You
can make things for dinner that are good for you without having to make
the potatoes and rolls that every adult man craves for.
If you were a married woman, you can say goodbye to flowers on your
birthday, and hello to a clothes budget. If you had children, you will
grow bags under your eyes, stretch marks on your stomach, extra long
arms, and horns on your head. The days of filet mignon and lobster tails
will be replaced by macaroni and cheese and corn dogs. Your best
I’m-going-on-a-date lipstick will be used to draw a rainbow on the
sliding glass door (along with orange peels, squished green peas, blue
permanent marker, and purple glitter paint) and you will never find a
working pair of scissors again for the rest of your days.
If you are a bachelorette and you complain about something, the man you
are with will bend over backwards to help you out. If you’re married
with kids and complain to your husband that one of the kids just ran
through a screen door, he’ll just shrug and say, “Well, he’ll never do
that again, now, will he?”
If, however, you are a married couple, you will never be lonely, never
have to sleep in a cold bed, never have to battle the flu by yourself,
and you can count on a kiss at midnight on New Years Eve (if you’re
awake). There will be smiles to greet you, arms to hold you and someone
to share two-for-one specials with. The rocking chair does not seem like
a bad way to spend your retirement years anymore.
If the two of you had children, you will become invincible; heroes, in
their eyes, at least. Your kiss will make boo-boos disappear. Your hug
will make a bad day better. The very sight of you after the first day of
kindergarten will bring abundant joy to a 5-year old. Your child will
know that if he brings his problem to you, you can and will fix it. You
are Superman and Wonder Woman.
If you have children, you will fly kites again, skip ropes, drink cherry
Kool-aid, lie on the grass and contemplate the clouds, and take a
Saturday afternoon nap wrapped around a trusting little soul.
You will have pride in knowing that you have influenced the life of a
teenager. You will teach him to drive, how to work, how to treat a
woman, and how to live his life. He will show you how to fly again and
you will live forever.
There will be more love in your life than you ever thought possible. In
fact, there will be more life in your life. So, what do you think? Is it
worth it?
http://www.lauraonlife.com
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