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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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December 2006 / January 2007 Contest Results |
Wiping
Out On The Technology Wave
By Lisa Macdonough,
New York
Dear People who keep creating technology I don’t know how to use,
Could you please press pause on your creativity? There are already too
many gadgets on the marketplace that I don’t understand how to use. Take
some time off to spend your gazillions. Finish decorating your McMansion.
Buy yourself an island I’d say one year’s break from your new inventions
would give me time to figure out the techno toys I have, but can’t use.
Give me a few months to learn how to download songs to the MP3 player I
bought 3 months ago, (and only just opened out of fear that it’ll be
obsolete by the time I get it operational.) And next, maybe I could
figure out how to retrieve the last number called on my cell phone on
the third Tuesday of our previous Leap year. Although I don’t even know
my own cell number.
Don’t misunderstand; I’m not just down on the “mobiles.” Land lines have
become difficult, too. I spent 45 minutes the other day in a training
seminar to learn how to use our new phone system at work. We can page,
put people on hold or park them, and even record conversations about how
we don’t understand the new system. We have an option for speaker phone,
conference call -- with 64 people if needed -- and also the new
telepathy feature. I had to leave the demonstration before they
explained how you can use the system to perform Lasik surgery, but I’ll
add that to the list of technology to catch up on.
This training session
was much different from the last time I underwent phone training. Back
then, my age was in the single digits, and there was one lesson: don’t
answer the phone. Sure, we underwent subsequent training, and learned to
pick it up and say hello, but to never admit my father was home, not
even on the holidays.
Now, I’m not asking for everything guys. I don’t expect to ever have
enough time to understand how to diagnosis the electronic codes on my
car. But something in the manual should tell you that when the 4 wheel
drive, check engine and the mysterious VSC lights come on at the same
time -- your gas cap is loose. Please give back the hour of my life
spent at the dealer figuring that out. Might I suggest just adding a
loose gas cap light instead of the war time code encryption that
currently delivers that important news? And maybe explain why I need to
be concerned my gas cap is loose?
Don’t worry. I’m no longer bothering to learn the VCR programming. I
moved on to the DVD player before I figured that out. (Now I’m busy
trying to figure out how to rewind these new discs.) But keep in mind,
I’m not a total techno-newbie. There is one new item I’ve got down pat:
The Blackberry. Run under cold water, and download into mouth. Repeat if
necessary.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go fret about the montages I’m not
creating with my home videos, the photo books I’m not making, and the
movies I’m not uploading to You Tube. I certainly will understand if you
can’t help me out. I’ll just wait for my toddler to learn to read, so
she can explain the new gadgets to me.
P.S. Could you at least please pass along the home phone numbers of the
toy executives for advice on Christmas morning assembly and Owner’s
Manual Translation? I have a great new phone system I could use to call
them, once I figure it out.
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