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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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December 2006 / January 2007 Contest Results |
The Tooth
and Nothing But the Tooth
By Tracy Beckerman,
New Jersey
Recently I had to go to the drugstore to buy a tube of toothpaste. It
took me an hour and a half and I almost had a nervous breakdown.
In all
honesty, I absolutely believe that there are people in psychiatric
hospitals right now who are there as a direct result of shopping for
toothpaste. In fact, in the top ten list of life stressors, I think
Toothpaste-Shopping is right up there behind Death, Moving, and Divorce.
And actually, if done with your spouse, Toothpaste-Shopping can probably
lead to Divorce.
The problem for me started, of course, when I ran out of toothpaste.
Surprisingly, in my house, this is not a common event. I typically buy a
good number of my heavily-used drug store items in bulk at one of those
wholesale clubs where the choices are limited and one box contains
enough toothpaste for a year. Given three different kinds of toothpaste
to choose from, I can usually narrow it down pretty easily and be done
with the whole thing before you can say, “Look Ma, no cavities.”
However, one fine day I was packing for a trip when I realized we were
almost out of toothpaste. I didn’t really feel like making the whole
trip to the wholesale club, so I decided to just swing buy the local
drug store and pick up a tube.
What I didn’t realize was that at some point over the years while I had
been buying in bulk, the toothpaste manufacturers had all lost their
minds.
What other reason could explain the fact that toothpaste now took up an
entire aisle of the drugstore, all by itself, with more brands, features
and shapes than you could squeeze a tube of, er, well, you know what,
at.
There was the Cool Mint Gel, the Rejuvenating Effects Liquid Gel, the
Multicare Paste, Multicare Gel, Tartar Control Paste, Tartar Control
Gel, Toothpaste Plus Scope, Gel Plus Scope, Sensitivity, and Sensitivity
with Scope. There was the Whitening Paste, the Whitening Gel, Dual-Care
Whitening, Multicare Whitening, and Tartar Control Whitening. There was
Whitening Plus Scope, Whitening Plus Scope Extreme, Vivid White, and
Whitening Expressions in Cinnamon Rush, Extreme Herbal Mint, Refreshing
Vanilla Mint and Lemon Ice.
And this was just one brand.
There were thirteen other brands to choose from and they all had their
own versions of gels, pastes, flavors and features. There were
toothpastes just for seniors, toothpastes just for kids and toothpastes
for people who don’t even have any teeth. There was toothpaste with
ginger, toothpaste with fennel, and toothpaste with all-natural sea
algae for people who want breath as fresh as kelp.
There was so much
toothpaste, it made my head hurt and I finally had to take a break and
go over to the analgesic aisle and buy some aspirin. Unfortunately, when
I got there, I couldn’t find the aspirin because the shelves were
overflowing with various brands of Acetaminophen, Ibuprofen and Naproxen
in caplets, tablets, geltabs, gelcaps, coated caplets, coated tablets,
liquid and drops.
Realizing that I would get a bigger headache looking for headache
medicine, I bailed on the analgesics and decided what I really needed
was a cold drink. Fortunately, this was one of those drug stores that
also had a refrigerated section, so I headed over to the soda case and
searched the racks for a diet soda. They had regular Coke, Diet Coke,
Caffeine Free Coke, Caffeine Free Diet Coke, Coke with Lemon, Coke with
Lime, Cherry Coke, Vanilla Coke, Coca-Cola Zero and Coca-Cola Blak.
Don’t even get me started on the Pepsi.
Feeling utterly and completely overwhelmed by the myriad of choices in
just about every category of the store, I went back to the toothpaste
aisle, closed my eyes, reached out and grabbed the first tube my hand
came in contact with.
That night my husband went into the bathroom to brush his teeth before
bed.
“Hey Honey,” he said, holding up the new tube of toothpaste. “Why do we
have a toothpaste for people with dry mouth?”
I looked up and shrugged. “It was all they had.”
http://www.lostinsuburbia.net
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