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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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October /
November 2006 Contest Results |
Potty
Train
By Joel Schwartzberg,
New Jersey
If you’re a
frequent Maplewood, New Jersey train commuter, you’ve probably noticed
the foul odor hitting you like a slimy smack in the nose at the far end
of the tracks. For a long time commuters have simply put up with it,
distracting themselves by focusing on the lovely scatological graffiti
awaiting them at the steps.
The source of the odor was discovered a number of years ago, but most
people still don’t know the truth, and should be glad. I’m not alone in
wishing it had stayed an unsolved mystery, but sharing it with you is
not just my job; it’s my duty. Warning: stop reading if you’re eating,
pregnant, contemplating eating, tightrope walking, or drunk.
It turns out a substantial curvature in the Maplewood Station train
track causes the cars to tilt slightly and spill human sewage from its
tanks. As Beavis would say, ""Cool!""
I was unfortunately eating breakfast when I read this in the newspaper
last week, and it was tough to continue. I felt light-headed and
nauseous. Even my years of diaper-changing desensitization didn’t
prepare me for the mental image. I only quietly thanked whoever invented
the word ""sewage."" I don’t want to think of a world without that word.
Maplewood Township Committeeman Vic De Luca told me he thinks the track
leans left, which comes as no surprise since the town does as well. I’m
not sure why a train’s ""stink tanks"" are positioned so precariously
that a slight angle would cause spillage. You’d think this is something
they’d want to keep pretty contained. Even Thomas the Tank Engine wears
a pull-up, or so I hear.
Robert D. Roe, Maplewood’s Health Officer and no stranger to issues of
law and odor, said he contacted New Jersey Transit about the issue, but
received the same response as people who call to complain about the
lacking plush factor of the seats – none. Roe has vowed to take New
Jersey Transit to municipal court where they could be fined up to $500.
NJT probably blows more than $500 on employee donuts every week, so I’m
not sure this is a strong motivator, but I like this Roe guy
nonetheless. State Assemblyman and Transportation Committee Member
Thomas Giblin also said last week he would look into the matter.
Inspiring words from a politician.
Apparently, the stink has been with us before. De Luca met with New
Jersey Toile—I mean, Transit about the issue on September 10, 2001 when
he was mayor. De Luca got them to agree on the installation of a check
valve and more frequent tank cleanings. As you can imagine, the next day
rearranged everyone’s priorities in a big way.
NJT ultimately made the changes, hoping it would be a permanent fix, but
after a long absence of stink, complaints went up sharply this year.
""This is a health hazard,"" De Luca said. ""People do get sick.""
Though we have many differences of opinion in this town, I think we can
all stand behind efforts to keep our train tracks clean of human waste.
Ah, waste! Another word for sewage. But whenever I think of human waste
I think of ""Dancing with the Stars."" Let’s stick with sewage.
To all the people in charge of keeping sewage where it belongs -- first,
I hope you’re making more money than I am. Second, let us know how we
can help. We can write letters, make phone calls, sign
petitions…anything but collect samples.
This is not just a matter of olfactory inconvenience; it’s a matter of
personal values. After all, in sewage as in life, it’s important to
focus on where we’re going, not on what we’ve left behind.
http://www.jesttokill.com
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