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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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October /
November 2006 Contest Results |
Boom Time
for Mid-Life Job Hunters
By Tom Wolferman,
Illinois
While
skimming through the ""new release"" stacks at the local library (no,
not in search of “Why We Want You to Be Rich” by Donald Trump), one
title did grab my attention: “225 Best Jobs for Baby Boomers.” It's
always good to have a back-up plan, so I flipped through to see what my
optimal mid-life career change options might be if the Hanes underpants
supermodel job doesn't pan out. These are just a few of the enticing
""Best Jobs"" listings I've been mulling.
Coroner
While the idea of being involved in an autopsy other than my own is
intriguing, I'm not sure I have the leadership skills needed to
""supervise the removal of bodies from a death scene."" I can barely
supervise the removal of my own body from a recliner after 8 p.m.
Municipal Clerk
The only municipal clerk position that would be of any interest is
driver's license photographer. No doubt the job requires intensive
training in the subversive art of snapping photos without warning. This
is how the municipal government ensures that every driver's ID looks
like Robert Blake after a prison bust. (Note: My distrust of Mel Gibson
only increased after viewing his Malibu mug shot. Even with an elevated
blood/alcohol level he still managed to maintain a sexiest man alive
""Lethal Weapon"" pose and freshly moussed hair.) Because you never know
exactly when a municipal clerk is going to take your photo, it has
become necessary to smile the minute you enter the facility to renew
your license. Due to my paranoia of municipal clerks who might
unexpectedly snap a photo I have to live with for the next eight years,
I've even taken to smiling during my vision exam. If I pursue the job of
municipal clerk, my mission is to restore beauty and dignity to driver's
license portraiture.
Poets and Lyricists
I think that I shall never see, the perks of social security.
Fish Hatchery Manager
Having spent most of my childhood sequestered in my bedroom raising the
fry of fancy guppies, I may already be qualified to execute policies
overseeing the trapping and spawning of fish. As my arteries continue to
harden, I also like the idea of getting a liberal employee discount on
omega-3 fatty acids. I imagine the drawback is coming home from a hard
day at the hatchery sporting that manly seabreeze scent of Gorton's of
Gloucester.
Spotters, Dry Cleaning
Do you enjoy blotting, bleaching and ingesting harmful solvents and
toxins? Why remain ambulatory in a dead-end job when you can rid the
world of stains and hasten your need to be put on a ventilator.
Orthodontist
This is listed among ""Best Jobs for Baby Boomers That Require Only a
Small Amount of Memorization Ability."" I'm guessing this is because
every 12-year-old who needs braces is named either Joshua or Ashley so
an aging orthodontist doesn't have to remember more than two patient
names. This could be my dream job if that coroner position falls
through.
www.estrogenunderground.com
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