| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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August /
September 2006 Contest Results |
Give Me A
Cleaning And Some Popcorn
By Steve Shrott,
Ontario
Recently, dentists have begun improving what they refer to as the dental
experience. I thought that meant having magazines in their office that
are current within the last century or the receptionist not going
ballistic when you tell her you’re going to be three minutes late for
your next appointment.
No. It’s the fact that now, while fiddling around in your mouth, they
show movies. The consumer is entertained and the dentist makes sure you
return by offering a good double feature.
I think it would work very well –- especially if they played horror
films. You’d be so
into watching the young cheerleader scream, as she's probed by the giant
worm from the planet Imbecile, you wouldn’t notice your own.
I found out about this great advance when I saw an ad in the newspaper
for a new medical center. Immediately, I knew I had to go for it. Of
course, I hated to leave my old dentist. But where was the fun there? He
had no movies, no high-tech gadgets. Just halfway through the session he
would show me his very large false teeth and say, “Don’t let this happen
to you.”
So I went to see Doctor K. (Name changed to protect me from having all
my teeth ripped out while under gas.) I sat down in the chair and he
immediately lowered a small screen. He pushed a button and I saw
Spiderman fly through the air by webs of steel. It almost seemed as if I
were in a movie theatre, except that the ushers seldom ordered me to
spit.
Dr. K. began taking in the movie too and suddenly we weren’t doctor and
patient. We were two old friends bonding over a shared experience. One
of whom, in a moment, would be causing the other great pain.
Suddenly, the doctor pointed to Toby McGuire on the screen and said,
“See this tooth here? It has a Da Vinci Veneer.”
“Oh?” I mumbled.
“The man’s got one beautiful mouth.”
I nodded, happy for any excuse that would keep him from drilling.
"Fascinating."
We sat for a moment, neither of us saying anything, taking in the
majesty of Toby’s fine dental work. It was almost as if we were on
vacation at the Grand Canyon. I waited for Doctor K to bring out a
disposable camera and ask me to take a couple of shots of him next to
Toby’s very picturesque right incisor.
Then, he turned back to me and continued to work on my teeth while I
watched the film. Soon, however, Dr. K brought me back to reality. With
a sardonic smile, he held the drill in front of my, now terrified eyes.
Apparently, one of us had forgotten about all that bonding we had done
earlier.
As he placed the drill into my mouth, something on the soundtrack caught
his attention and he turned back to watch. However, his hand had moved
and it looked like I'd be getting a third nostril.
Not good. During allergy season, my life was already tough enough with
two.
I wanted to yell out to him, but with a mouth full of cotton batten,
dental dam and about 1700 sharp medical instruments, my words didn’t
come out as eloquently as I had hoped. Something like --- "Ahhhuhooooh."
“Yeah, it is an exciting movie. Take a gander at this part.”
Eventually, he moved his drill, saving me from a nose-ectomy.
“I’ve seen the rest of this. It’s excellent.”
For the next ten minutes
he gave me his full attention and I savored the film again. Then Doctor
K began removing all the stuff from my mouth. ""Okay, we’re done.”
Puzzled, I turned towards him. “What do you mean, done?”
“Your sessions over.”
“I didn’t see the end of the movie.”
Dr. K. laughed. “They all get their teeth fixed and live happily ever
after.”
“Couldn’t I stay and...”
“I’ve got other patients.”
“Maybe you could fill another tooth?”
“You only had one cavity.”
“What about a cleaning?”
“You had it already.”
“My teeth still feel dirty.”
“Get out.”
Then he abruptly forced the chair upwards and I had to get out. As I
slowly exited the office, I felt the scars of a wounded relationship and
an unsatisfying movie experience.
Depressed, I wandered down the street
to a tiny medical center, hoping to catch a glimpse of some giant false
teeth.
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