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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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June / July 2006 Contest Results |
Suiting
Up
By
Mary Fran Bontempo, Pennsylvania
I was wandering through the maze of department store aisles, searching
unsuccessfully for the area which would surely change my mood from
merely apprehensive to downright miserable.
As I passed two saleswomen deep in conversation, I said, “Excuse me, do
you know where the bathing suits are?”
They stopped, turning to regard me with sympathetic looks. “Take the
escalator to the third floor. They’re in the back near the parking lot
entrance.”
“Thanks,” I said, making my way toward the escalator.
“Good luck,” called one, and from the other, “Do you have your martini
with you? They say a woman should always have a martini with her when
she’s trying on bathing suits.”
As I made my way up three levels and to the very back of the store, I
questioned the marketing strategy behind hiding the seasonal swimsuits
in a location it all but took a bloodhound to sniff out.
Then I saw them—at least half a dozen women stumbling around the
department, clutching multiple hangers displaying teeny, tiny bits of
stretchy material. Every hapless soul there wore the expression of a
person just awakened from a nightmare. Unfortunately, their current
circumstances were no dream, and I was about to willingly join them.
Actually, “willingly” is far too positive a word. It gives the
impression that one welcomes the task at hand, even looks forward to it.
There is no woman on earth who looks forward to bathing suit shopping.
It is a contender for the ultimate in female humiliation, vying for the
top spot with the annual visit to the gynecologist. And, we react
accordingly, knowing full well that no good can come from such an
enterprise.
Our faces confirm our torment. After cramming one’s body into swatches
of fabric the size of cocktail napkins, then looking at the reflection
in a three way mirror lighted with a fluorescent bulb, stark terror is
pretty much the only reaction we can muster.
Is it any wonder, then, that the marketing gurus try and squirrel us
away like the nuts we are in the most forlorn corner of the store?
Seriously, we can’t be good for business. We are depressed, surly and
generally disgusted not only with ourselves, but with the world as we
know it. Prominently display the swimsuits at the front of the store and
watch the potential customers run for cover once they catch a glimpse of
the bitter, nasty bunch of us trolling the department, looking for
something, anything that will camouflage our “assets”.
However, they have to sell the things, and my friend the sympathetic
saleswoman had the perfect solution. Swimsuit department martini bars.
Just turn the whole thing into a tropical themed mini resort section,
with counselors instead of bartenders, and watch the women flock to the
store.
We won’t be any happier about buying bathing suits, but martini sales
will challenge those of any weekend hangout and inspire customer loyalty
that will last well into September, when we can finally cover ourselves
up again.
http://www.maryfranbontempo.com
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