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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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June / July 2006 Contest Results |
Breakthrough In Weight Loss Research
By
Marsha Roberts, California
The same scientist who developed the concept of “net carbs”, on which
the popular but defunct Atkins diet was based, now has a new discovery,
which no doubt will form the basis of the next fad diet. His
revolutionary finding is the phenomenon of “gross burn”, or, to use the
technical term, “gross lipid obsessive burn” –- or GLOB.
Dr. Swami Krishna-krishna-arama-dama just completed a pivotal study on
GLOBS at the Center for Transfatty Acids in Houston, Texas, tubbo
capital of the world. Dr. KK found that in the same way that some
carbohydrates are not really carbs at all, there is proof positive that
you don’t have to get off your, uh, couch to burn calories. You can
lose weight by just thinking about physical activity –- without having to
actually do it... a belief many have lived by all along, but it’s never
been scientifically proven until now.
This is great validation for those of us who have always felt we should
get weight loss credit for shopping at Whole Foods or living near a
biking trail.
According to the research, joining a gym, for example, shaves about 5
pounds off your weight, or the equivalent of one medium love handle.
That
leaves the other love handle. Not to worry. Studying the equipment in
the gym and knowing what it will do for you is worth some GLOBS, too.
Visiting the “gut blaster ab sling” machine, for example, and reading
the instructions on how to use it translates to 5 GLOBS off your abs, or
the equivalent of ten snickers bars eaten over a two-day period.
Buying dumbbells
and placing them near the TV will counteract hours spent on the couch
watching football. Keeping your gym clothes close at hand in the trunk
of your car as you go through the fast food “drive thru” counteracts
most of the calories consumed when eating the food in your car.
Interspersing
exercise videotapes among your movie collection trims about 3 inches off
your waist and hips. If you shuffle them around and put them at the top
of the stack every so often, you’ll achieve even greater results.
Nike has already capitalized on this theory by coming up with a “GPD”,
or “GLOBS per dollar” ratio for their running shoes. They’ve affixed a
small GLOB chart to the bottom of each pair of athletic shoes, much like
the mini-nutritional charts on food products, that indicates precisely
how many GLOBS are in each pair. The formula is too complicated to
explain here, but essentially, the more expensive the running shoe, the
more GLOBS you get, whether or not you ever actually wear them.
And that’s not all – more good news from Dr. KK – the same theory
applies to the food you wished you ate. Dr. KK has coined the term
“virtual nutritional value”, meaning the health benefits realized from
purchasing food that tastes like used socks. Buying grains from the bins
at Whole Foods, for instance, lowers cholesterol. The darker the grain,
the better. The stuff that looks like little mouse droppings, for
instance, is the best for you. Particularly if mixed with all natural,
tasteless real food impostors, like carob. Carob, it turns out, is
really short for “carbo robber”. Each carob bar you buy will absorb 17.9
grams of carbohydrates -– as long as you put it on the shelf next to the
Oreos.
Keep those low-fat, low-carb, low sugar energy bars in your purse or
glove compartment for those days when you’re on the go and just too busy
to cook yourself that fennel, oat and tofu casserole for a snack. You’ll
have a quick, nutritious alternative available to the Mrs. Fields
cookies you crave – and even if Mrs. Fields wins, the bar doubles as a
patch for your tire, in case you get a flat.
Those of you who have made it through to the end of this article will be
pleased to know that just reading about this new discovery has burned
off about 2 GLOBS –- enough to let stop at Ben and Jerry’s on the way
home for a double scoop of Chunky Monkey ice cream, with a grand total
of two net carbs, if you’re still counting.
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