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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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June / July 2006 Contest Results |
Here
Comes The Son
By
Faith R. Foyil, Nebraska
It’s summertime
again and the outside temperature is soaring nearly as rapidly as my
14-year-old son’s shoe size.
Summertime in the House of the Rising Son means increased hamper
overflow and decreased refrigerator contents. And it’s not just my son’s
clothing habits and appetite that are changing. That voice!
It’s hard
to believe that the sweet little guy who once sounded like a Disney
cartoon character now sounds more like my sexy, a.m. radio D.J.. Wasn’t
it only yesterday my little boy sang Wheels on the Bus? Now he sings
praise about Vipers, Ferraris and other dream “wheels.”
It’s a challenge reading this new teen recipe – how much independence do
I allow in relationship to the quantity of stricter guidance? How much
understanding can I toss in before it’s perceived as babying?
Sometimes it’s hard to stay out of mood swing range - his, not mine for
a change - while still remaining close enough to lend a sympathetic ear
if required. He needs me. He needs me not. He needs me. I’m still trying
to figure out how to discreetly tell the difference.
Today, following my second mega grocery shop of the week, a group of
neighborhood boys, like a pack of stray dogs, has arrived sweaty and
panting at our front door. Within minutes the house turns into an Xbox,
MySpace and MSN oasis. Music, highlighted by occasional loud guy guffaws
and belches, blares from my son’s bedroom and reverberates off the
dining room walls.
Medical authorities tell us to pay attention to our skin types in
summer. I apparently have what is known as thin skin, since I lose my
temper easily when these guys sling sopping wet towels on the bedroom
floor, or worse, on my son’s bed. I cringe when they slam the
refrigerator door shut but leave kitchen cupboards airing.
To assist other parents of adolescent males this summer, I’ve come up
with five basic SON SAFETY rules:
1.) Limit adolescent SON exposure as much as possible especially around
3 p.m. when, experts say, adult energy levels wane and we’re more
inclined to say “yes” to requests for a larger allowance or later
curfew.
2.) Arm yourself with an adequate SON BLOCK, a prepared speech in which
you remind your carefree young stallion of important summer rules:
Playing ball in busy parking lots, riding bikes in heavy traffic or
flaunting new and improved physiques by way of dunking younger siblings
in the pool, all constitute undesirable conduct. Chatting on the phone
for an hour without answering the beeping call-waiting in the background
is also deemed unacceptable.
3.) Never look directly at the SON and say “If you don’t put your dirty
shorts in the hamper right now they won’t get washed,” unless you really
mean it. He’s old enough to see through those former,
successfully-employed idle threats.
4.) In order to avoid emergency room visits, watch out for dangerously
slippery SON SPOTS on the kitchen floor from sticky sports drinks and
squished brownie bits.
5.) Avoid prolonged ranting, even when it’s 10 pm and you’ve had one too
many rides on the adolescent emotional rollercoaster. Using nasty
language is ineffective and could hurt your son psychologically,
resulting in PERMANENT SON DAMAGE.
Tomorrow will be much the same as today. I’ll get up early, arm myself
with a cup of tea, sneak down the hall and ponder the day’s schedule.
Before I know it the sound of alternative rock music will break this
short-lived silence. Although my teenage son is evolving in so many
wonderful ways, he hasn’t fully developed the renowned teen habit called
“sleeping in.”
When I rise this summer, The Son Also Rises.
http://www.faithfoyil.com
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