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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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June / July 2006 Contest Results |
Now That's What
I Call An Ugly Baby
By
Wendy Sang Kelly, South Carolina
There’s an
alarming trend occurring in this country right now. I call it,
“Surprise! Here’s your ugly baby!”
Why? Because cosmetic surgery is everywhere and everyone’s getting it.
And I do mean everyone. Girls in Dallas get big new breasts for their
sixteenth birthdays. Boys in Manhattan get their noses rhinoplasticized
for their bar mitzvahs. And in L.A., boys and girls get liposuction for
their christenings. (I’m kidding…never before kindergarten.)
All these surgically altered kids float through high school, with nary a
hint of the usual awkward teen years. Then, once they reach adulthood,
it’s a good bet our enhanced young men and women will toss in a few more
procedures. Nothing major, mind you, just some fine tuning. Maybe a
little skin beaching or a chemical peel. Hair extensions for her, and
hair transplants for him. Both will want highlights, naturally. And
without question, there will be a trip or two to the laser center to
take care of that unsightly back hair (his) and stubborn mustache
(hers).
Alrighty, then. Now that they’re sculpted into something other than
themselves, it’s time for the most important event in their lives thus
far -- the mad dash to find soul mates, of course. And that’s where things
start to get interesting.
Here’s the scenario: Their eyes meet across a crowded bar. She is chic,
attractive and slim. He is tall and ruggedly handsome. There’s
chemistry. They start dating and before you know it, they’re engaged.
They have a lavish wedding featuring multiple ice sculptures and mashed
potatoes tinted to match the bridesmaid’s dresses. And finally, the
happy newlyweds jet down to St. Croix for a picture-perfect honeymoon
devoid of cellulite, love handles or back hair. (Sounds idyllic, right?
Well, hold onto your Botox, we’re just getting to the good part.) Nine
months later, they rush to the hospital, giddy at the arrival of their
first child -- the culmination of their mutual, perfect love.
At which point the new Mommy and Daddy look at each other in horror and
revulsion.
You see, despite how attractive this young couple has become through the
marvels of modern medicine, there’s no avoiding one giant
miscalculation. Babies are born with original parts. Yep, we’re talking
her former hooked nose, his pre-lasered uni-brow. Her nearsighted -- and
let’s be honest -- slightly crossed eyes, his utter lack of anything
resembling a chin. Her pencil-thin lips, his Dumbo ears. And thanks to
both of them, enough back hair to knit a sweater. Not to mention enough
ugly in reserve to make for a very difficult adolescence.
Let’s face it: human genes tend to be pretty stubborn. Especially the
ugly ones, which are stronger than porcelain veneers. Ugly genes will
not be ignored. And there isn’t a plastic surgeon on this earth who can
do a hair-plucking thing about it.
And there’s yet another interesting wrinkle to this situation: we human
beings are often attracted to people who possess the very qualities we
lack. Petite women are attracted to taller guys. Fat guys want thin
girls. Shy people gravitate towards gregarious types. That’s nature’s
way of giving our progeny a shot at normalcy.
Genetically speaking, all these cosmetically altered people are sending
an inaccurate and fraudulent primal message to potential mates. It’s
irresponsible, really. Our fanatical quest for beauty is leading the
human race to a future of inescapable uglyhood. With so many people
blindly double-dipping into the gene pool of unattractiveness, we’ve
begun breeding an entire generation of ugly-squared offspring. And the
poor children! Imagine what their lives will be like. It’s hard going
through life as an ugly kid.
Especially with such good-looking parents.
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