| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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April / May 2006 Contest Results |
Date Night
By
Sean Ellis, New York
In order to keep
our romance alive, my wife Laura and I attempted to engage in a ritual
we had only heard about from “friends who knew friends who knew someone
who did this.”
I’m speaking of
course about the mythical “Date Night,” wherein a married couple picks
one night a week to enjoy an evening together without the children and
their joyous screams of “wipe my bum!”
This date night
is to take place once a week without fail and, according to legend, you
and your significant other will be transformed into starry-eyed lovers
like when you were twenty, except with less hair.
In theory this
is a wonderful idea. Practically, however, it is difficult to
coordinate, which is the main reason we cannot locate anyone who has
successfully completed the program. There are many obstacles to
overcome, for example, the babysitter.
The babysitter
needs to be available once a week for the assignment and be mature
enough to handle your children and smart enough to tell you that your
children were good when you were gone even though you are pretty sure
that you did not own a dog when you left that evening yet there is a
golden retriever sleeping in one of the kid’s beds.
Laura also
requires I.Q. tests and SAT scores of the babysitter’s parents and a
list of college choices for the potential sitter. My only requirement is
that Laura calls to schedule the sitter. I have a phobia about calling
to arrange the sitter and having the father answer the phone to hear me
say “Hi, this is Sean calling to see if your 14 year old daughter is
free on Saturday night.”
Next you have to
negotiate the payment to the babysitter. I am a big believer in
overpaying for these important services because a) we need to get out
and b) I want to be on top of the babysitter’s list. If they have to
choose between two jobs on the same night I hope that my incorporated
combat pay is the deciding factor. Unfortunately, there are other
families out there doing the same thing and when Laura recently called
to schedule a babysitter she was told to go to EBay and bid on the
night.
After all the
stress of the babysitter and getting the kids and you ready, alerting
the police and fire departments and confirming payments on your life
insurance policy you are now ready to go... to bed. Yes, it’s quite
tiring preparing to recapture your romance. But this is Date Night. So
you kiss the kids and get in the car and realize “We don’t have any
plans.”
This begins a
wonderful debate on what to do that evening. After much discussion and
long volley of “whatever you want to do” followed up with “No, whatever
you want to do” it is decided that you will pull back in to the driveway
and do nothing. Which inevitably leads to the question “how much do we
pay the babysitter for 8 ½ minutes?” And the answer is of course $60, to
avoid scandal.
You pay the
babysitter and in the spirit of date night ask if she is available again
next week. She accepts and inquires if we have any relatives that may
need baby sitting services. You begin to wonder if date night was a scam
concocted by an evil babysitter. You offer to drive the sitter home and
she declines with a polite “No thanks. The Millers next door have date
night tonight and I’m sitting from 7:30 p.m. to 7:45 p.m.”
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