| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
|
|
|
February
/ March 2006 Contest Results |
Landing A Job
(It's Different From Landing A Plane)
By
Gregg
Podolski, New Jersey
The job market
reeks right now. If you don’t believe me, just look at this transcript,
taken verbatim from an interview with a Leading Job Market Expert Type
Person on my nightly local news:
Nightly Local
News Anchor: “If you would, for our viewers, please describe the job
market in its current state.”
Job Market
Expert Type Person: “It reeks.”
So, as you can
clearly see, I made that interview up. But that doesn’t change the fact
that the job market is in bad shape.
When things get
dire, like they are now, a savvy job-seeker will do two things:
1) Look up
“dire” in the dictionary.
2) Brush up on
his interviewing skills.
But before you
can astound would-be employers with your charm, wit, and keen
understanding of the loopholes in the company’s hiring policy regarding
ex-felons, you have to first score an interview. To do so, you need to
perfect your resume’, which is a French word meaning “crapload of
outrageous lies.”
Allow me to
demonstrate by first detailing a lowly job nobody in their right mind
wants to do, and then rewriting the same exact job so it sounds like one
everybody wishes they had:
(First Version)
Gas Station
Attendant, Bob’s Pump n’ Go, Spittoon, Alabama
· Pumped gas into all them pretty cars that came by
· Scraped dead bugs and such offa the windshields
· Cried a lot
(Better Version)
Batman,
Freelance, Gotham City, Whatever State Gotham City Is In (Probably Not
Delaware)
· Fought crime and injustice
· Cavorted with nubile, leather-clad women on rooftops and in nightclubs
· Did various things to conceal true identity, such as wearing a nametag
on my batsuit that says, “Hello, I’m not Bruce Wayne.”
See how much better the second version sounds?
Honestly, who
wouldn’t want to hire Batman? And this strategy works equally well with
any superhero. Simply substitute Superman, Aquaman, Spiderman, or your
own favorite superhero for instant credibility with management.
Okay, so you’ve
got your foot in the door. The trick now is to get the rest of your body
inside before the manager pushes you out or shoots you in the face with
pepper-spray. Once you’ve gained access to his office and handcuffed
yourself to a chair, he’ll have no choice but to interview you. This is
where the real struggle begins.
Most interviews
typically start with the manager asking you to tell him a little about
yourself. I say “most” because this is not always the case; pertinent
information should always be discussed as soon as possible. For
instance, if you find yourself in an interview without wearing any
pants, that’s the kind of issue you’re going to want to address right
from the get-go.
Just for the
sake of argument, however, let’s say he does ask you to say a few things
about yourself. In addition to all your positive attributes, it’s a good
idea to mention a few of your flaws, just to show him that you’re open
to criticism. When mentioning personal negatives, it’s recommended that
you list only those that are commonplace and easily correctible, rather
than those that may turn him off or cause him to call the police. For
example:
Good Flaw to
Mention: “I sometimes wish I could learn to manage my time more
effectively.”
Bad Flaw To
Mention: “I’ve been stabbed in the spleen by a drug dealer to whom I owe
money and really wish I could make the bleeding stop.”
If you simply
handle each situation with common sense and intelligence, there’s no
reason you can’t dupe highly educated men and women into hiring you for
a position that you are in no way qualified for.
Or, failing
that, at least you can score some free donuts and coffee before they
kick you out and hang your picture in the post office.
Good luck!
http://www.thefunnyside.net
.
|
