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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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February
/ March 2006 Contest Results |
The Man Who
Looks Like Albert Einstein
By
Ed Tasca,
Ontario
It may be only a
historical footnote that the bedraggled, stooped old man known as Albert
Einstein was quite a sexual creature, based on most accounts; and women
it seems tended to swoon in the lap of the celebrity genius, although he
pretended never to notice.
Fast forward to the present: I recently met up with a man who is the
spitting image of Albert Einstein, not intentionally he assured me. He
was refreshingly honest about one of America’s newest fantasy games.
Fanatics, he told me, are so hungry for some connection to their
celebrity idols that most will even turn to those people who look like
their idols and worship them as they would the real thing.
Here’s a short snippet of the transcript of my weird interview with this
Einstein look-alike. He refused to provide a photo in order to protect his anonymity. (???)
Einstein look-alike: I have to be honest. If I meet a woman and she
wants to pretend, then I say what’s the harm? It really gives them a
buzz when I start talking about the time-space continuum and tensor
calculus, and to be honest, it kind of turns me on too. I get it all
from Nova.
Tasca: What do you think the real Einstein would think if he knew you
were doing this?
Einstein look-alike: I think he’d say it was a good way to help
popularize the understanding of Laser Interferometer Gravitational Wave
technology.
Tasca: What is Laser Interferometer Gravitational Wave technology?
Einstein look-alike: I don’t know.
Tasca: Then how can you popularize it?
Einstein look-alike: Look, maybe I don’t understand it all. But it’s
really not that hard to make up stuff. Most people don’t know what the
hell time-space crap is all about. And they don’t really care. Anyway,
they just want to touch my hair. I keep it really wild. That’s really
what it’s all about.
Tasca: But you’re misleading people.
Einstein look-alike: We’re talking about a Denny’s waitress here. It’s
not like NASA’s going to bring her on to fix the shuttle.
Tasca: You don’t think it’s tacky?
Einstein look-alike: Is Frontierland tacky? Is Madame Tussaud’s Wax
Museum tacky? I provide a fantasy. We go through a few bottles of wine.
I try to impress her with an explanation of how the universe works, and
whatever happens, happens. Isn’t that what every guy does, one way or
the other? You know the song: “When you see a guy reach for stars in the
sky, you can bet that he’s doing it for some doll.” Well, that was
probably Einstein. He had a lot of ladies, trust me.
Tasca: And you don’t feel any shame?
Einstein look-alike: No. I think I’m helping people. One woman I knew,
after I explained about all that Interferometer Gravitational stuff,
actually went back to school to learn how to do Excel spreadsheets.
Isn’t that making a difference?
Tasca: Thank you for sharing... your story with us.
Einstein look-alike: If anyone wants to meet me, I spend a lot of time
--
Tasca: I’m sorry, but I can’t let you --
Einstein look-alike: Can I give them an email address --
Tasca: No!!
Regrettably, I was forced to physically restrain the elderly,
gentle-looking impostor, until he leaped to his feet, screaming
something about everything being “relative” and stormed out of my
office.
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