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| "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HUMOR"TM
SHOWCASE
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February
/ March 2006 Contest Results |
The Birds, The
Bees and Allergies
By Mark Jabo, New York
There are many
things that you can tell people that you've developed that make you an
interesting and sought after guest at parties.
Things like
"I've developed a cure for baldness" or, in the event that you are
already bald, "I've developed a large piece of property."
You can assume
that "I've developed pictures of my vacation in Cleveland" or "I
developed this strange rash after going out with Sally" are not quite so
interesting.
Unless, of
course, Sally or someone she is currently dating is at the party. In
that case you will be sought after by both Sally and her date, but most
likely for different reasons.
For some strange
reason, this was the first year I developed allergies. If you want to
feel awkward and uncomfortable at a party, there are a number of options
to choose from. You can show up naked, insult your host’s sensitive
teenage daughter or have a sneezing fit while hors d’oeuvres are being
served. A sneezing fit
allows others to get involved. After the sneezing stops you can pretty
much count on some wise guy saying, "Well, I guess I'm not having any
more guacamole."
What's weird
about the whole allergy thing is that I lived for over 10 years in New
York City without a problem. If you’ve ever seen the movie Resident
Evil, where Milla Jovovich battles zombies after mysterious spores are
released in Raccoon City, you’ve got a pretty good idea of what it’s
like to take the subway in Manhattan.
Savvy New Yorkers know that if you ever see Milla running through the
subway, it's a good idea to follow her because whatever's coming down
the platform is going to be really scary.
And by scary I mean either the flesh-eating, walking dead or an
allergist that is approved by your HMO.
The allergist I finally went to came to the conclusion that I was
allergic to
dust, pollen and animal dander. Or, to put that in non-medical terms,
everything.
Each of these allergens has its own special problems attached to it.
Dust is a natural marvel that has baffled scientists since the
Enlightenment when European scientists first discovered light and could
actually see how much dust had accumulated under the bed during the Dark
Ages.
There are two important facts you should know about dust. It is
everywhere and it is always accumulating. And, like Microsoft or the
proliferation of boy bands, there is nothing you can do to stop it.
Pollen is the way plants have sex. For some reason, plants are most
sexually active in the spring. Spring is also the time when, as every
guy knows, all the good-looking women who've been hiding all winter
suddenly appear.
Around the same time that plants are having a good time, those of us
with allergies have red-rimmed eyes, constant sinus discharge and a
large wad of moist tissue in our front pocket. Many healthy people
assume that this
might be a problem when dating.
Those of us with allergies know there simply are no awkward, first-date
gaps in the conversation when you can fill the time with:
Her: “Are you
OK?”
Him: “Oh, sure. It’s just allergies.”
Her: “You look terrible.”
Him: “Wanna go back to my place and make out?”
Her: “Not unless you have a haz-mat suit I can wear.”
Animal dander is also a problem if you are a single guy because it is a
proven
fact that 98 percent of the attractive single women own cats.
So, I'm going to
go ahead and wipe my nose on my sleeve. I don’t have a chance with them
anyhow.
http://www.markjabo.com
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